To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
