Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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