someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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