you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
When did we convert life to cartoon?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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