did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Randomize
