She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
