Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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