Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
