They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
