God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
