My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
