I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
