its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
