even my farts smell like vagina
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just had sex on a roof
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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