mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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