the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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