Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
