She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
