"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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