I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
