he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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