This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
