my phone needs a breathalizer
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
