whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
farters have to be the big spoon...
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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