I want to walk on stilts...naked
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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