literally had 100 drinks last night.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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