If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
