Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
