I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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