I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
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I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
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you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
My life is pants optional.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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