If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
be right there i have to get my cape
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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