And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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