I hate all girls vehemently.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
