he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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