You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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