Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
