Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
