The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Randomize
