He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
How external is "for external use only"?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
