My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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