Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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