i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
