Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
