Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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