I'd wear matching sweaters with you
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
