nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
