i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
