He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
