I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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