All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
