Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize