I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
